In this article, Rosie Cavalot, Director & Head of Therapy at New Chapters Fostercare and a qualified psychotherapist with over 20 years’ experience supporting children in residential settings and foster families, explores PACE parenting and the impact of trauma on a child’s ability to form trusting relationships. Drawing on her extensive therapeutic knowledge and frontline experience, Rosie highlights how a consistent relationship rooted in the PACE attitude can help children develop new relational skills, feel safer with the adults around them, and move towards adulthood with a stronger network of support.
For children who have experienced trauma, loss, neglect or disrupted attachment, behaviour is often only the visible part of a much deeper story. Foster carers quickly learn that what looks like defiance, withdrawal, aggression or control is frequently a child’s attempt to feel safe in a world that has not always been safe for them.
At New Chapters Fostercare, we believe that lasting change begins with connection. That’s why our therapeutic approach is rooted in PACE parenting, a relationship-focused model developed by clinical psychologist Dr Dan Hughes as part of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, or DDP. The Dan Hughes PACE approach encourages us to look beyond behaviour and consider what a child may be trying to communicate.
Rather than asking, “How do I stop this behaviour?”, PACE encourages us to ask, “What is this child trying to tell me?” This simple shift in thinking can transform relationships and create the conditions where healing becomes possible. This relationship-led approach also sits naturally within trauma informed parenting and therapeutic foster care, where understanding a child’s experiences, emotional needs and relationships is central to the support they receive.
PACE stands for:
These four principles form an attitude rather than a technique. They help adults remain emotionally available, regulated and connected, even during the most challenging moments. Importantly, PACE is not a behaviour management strategy.
As Dr Dan Hughes explains, PACE is “a way of being” with children rather than a checklist of techniques or strategies. It provides the emotional atmosphere in which children can begin to feel safe enough to trust adults again.
At New Chapters Fostercare, carers are supported to develop this relational approach through training in the Nurturing Attachments Group Programme, developed by Kim Golding. This programme helps foster carers build the understanding, skills and confidence needed to begin their journey with PACE parenting, particularly when caring for children affected by trauma and attachment difficulties.
Research has highlighted that attending the Nurturing Attachments Group Programme can increase adoptive and foster carers’ reflective functioning, helping them to better understand the child’s inner world, make sense of their difficulties and strengthen the relationship between carer and child. This evidence is explored further in research into the Nurturing Attachments Group Programme.
This distinction matters because children who have experienced developmental trauma often do not respond to traditional behaviour management in the way adults expect. Rewards and consequences may change behaviour temporarily, but without understanding the underlying fear, shame or insecurity driving that behaviour, it will often continue.
Every behaviour is a communication. A child refusing to go to school may not simply be “being difficult”. They may be overwhelmed by anxiety. A young person who pushes carers away may actually be testing whether those adults will continue to care for them when things become difficult.
PACE encourages carers to become detectives rather than judges. Instead of asking, “Why are they behaving like this?”, PACE invites us to wonder, “What has happened that makes this behaviour make sense?” This curious approach reduces defensiveness, increases understanding and helps children feel seen rather than criticised.
Kim Golding frequently speaks about the importance of placing safety and connection at the heart of our work with children who have experienced early relational trauma, recognising that relationships are the primary vehicle through which healing occurs.
One of the most powerful ideas within therapeutic parenting is that connection comes before correction. This doesn’t mean ignoring unsafe or inappropriate behaviour. Children still need boundaries, and they still need adults to keep them and others safe. Expectations remain important.
However, PACE changes how those boundaries are delivered. It encourages carers to consider what the child needs to learn from the correction, rather than focusing solely on the behaviour itself. Rather than responding with anger, confrontation or punishment, carers first seek emotional connection before guiding the child towards better choices.
Kim Golding’s “Parenting in the Moment” model illustrates this by encouraging adults to make an emotional connection before responding to behaviour, helping children experience both acceptance and the safety provided by calm, empathic boundaries. When children feel emotionally safe, their brains are far more able to learn, reflect and regulate.
Many children entering foster care have experienced adults who were unpredictable, frightening or emotionally unavailable. As a result, trusting relationships can feel risky. Some children reject closeness, others become controlling, and some appear independent while quietly expecting rejection.
PACE recognises that behaviours can develop as survival strategies. Instead of seeing them as problems to eliminate, carers understand them as adaptations that once helped the child to feel safe.
Over time, consistently responding with playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy helps children discover that relationships can be different. Adults can be safe, they can stay and they can understand. It is these repeated relational experiences, not perfect behaviour, that gradually reshape a child’s expectations of the world.
Playfulness creates emotional safety. It isn’t about joking when children are distressed or making light of serious situations. Instead, it uses warmth, gentle humour and a relaxed tone to reduce fear and create opportunities for connection.
A smile, shared laughter or playful interaction can lower anxiety and remind children that relationships can also bring joy.
Acceptance means accepting the child’s inner experience, not harmful behaviour. This is one of the most misunderstood parts of PACE.
A child might feel intense anger, fear or shame. Those feelings are accepted without judgement. The behaviour, however, may still require limits.
Dan Hughes describes acceptance as communicating acceptance of the feelings, wishes and motives beneath behaviour while remaining firm about behavioural boundaries.
Curiosity replaces assumptions with genuine interest. Rather than saying, “You knew exactly what you were doing”, a PACE response might be, “I wonder if something happened today that made everything feel too much?”
Children who feel understood are much more likely to begin understanding themselves.
Empathy communicates, “You don’t have to face this on your own.” Children who have experienced trauma often expect adults to dismiss or minimise their feelings.
Empathy helps repair this expectation. By staying emotionally present during difficult moments, carers show children that painful emotions can be shared safely.
Behaviour management often focuses on changing what happens today, which can be helpful for children who have built trusting relationships with adults. Children who have experienced relational trauma, where mistrust has developed, often need something more.
PACE focuses on building relationships that continue for years. Research and clinical experience consistently demonstrate that children recover through safe, secure and consistent relationships rather than isolated interventions. The DDP model places these relationships at the centre of healing for children affected by developmental trauma.
For foster carers, this can be incredibly reassuring. Progress isn’t measured purely through acceptable behaviours or academic achievements, although these can be indicators that a child is beginning to feel safe and secure. It is also measured by moments such as:
These moments are often the first signs of healing.
Kim Golding’s book, Everyday Parenting with Security and Love, explains why a PACE approach supports the foundations of a trusting and empathic relationship and explores techniques for overcoming some of the barriers and challenges faced when caring for children who struggle to connect emotionally.
PACE is sometimes misunderstood as another parenting programme or behavioural technique. It isn’t. It is an ongoing attitude that influences every interaction, every conversation and every relationship.
Like any meaningful relationship, it requires patience, reflection and support. Some days will feel easier than others. Children who have experienced trauma may continue to test relationships because previous experiences have taught them that adults leave, reject or hurt them.
Remaining PACEful in those moments sends a powerful message: “I’m still here.” Over time, that consistency becomes the foundation for trust.
At New Chapters Fostercare, PACE is woven throughout everything we do. From our training and therapeutic support to everyday conversations with foster carers, we help families understand not just what children do, but why they do it.
Our therapeutic approach is embedded across the whole agency. Every member of staff, including administrative colleagues, receives training in our PACE-informed approach so that anyone who contacts or works with us experiences warmth, curiosity, empathy and acceptance in practice. We recognise that carers are best supported to use PACE when it is consistently modelled to them, so our directors, managers, supervising social workers and family support workers are trained to DDP Level 1, deepening their understanding of the principles that shape our practice.
This begins from the first enquiry. Prospective carers are introduced to PACE, attachment theory and DDP throughout assessment and pre-approval Skills to Foster training. Once approved, carers continue their learning through the 18-session Nurturing Attachments Programme and the six-session Foundations for Attachment training, while being held within a support network that maintains a consistent PACE attitude.
To keep the approach live and reflective, staff access regular case discussions anchored in DDP principles. The team also receives annual support from Jane Foulkes, DDP Consultant, creating space to reflect on practice, strengthen consistency and identify areas for continued development. In this way, PACE is not a standalone training offer but a shared agency culture that informs our relationships with children, carers, families and professionals.
Jane Foulkes recently commented on New Chapters Fostercare as a therapeutic agency, saying, “I’m impressed with how long and how hard you’ve worked to embed DDP into everything you do.”
For foster carers and families across Shropshire and Staffordshire, this means PACE parenting is supported not simply through training, but through the wider therapeutic culture and ongoing support provided by New Chapters Fostercare.
When behaviour is viewed through the lens of trauma, relationships become stronger. When relationships become stronger, children begin to feel safer. And when children feel safe, they are able to grow, heal and write the next chapter of their story.
The goal of PACE has never been simply to improve behaviour. Its purpose is to help children experience relationships that are safe, trusting and enduring, relationships that can change the course of a lifetime.
If you live in Shropshire or Staffordshire and are thinking about becoming a foster carer, speak with New Chapters for a friendly, informal conversation about our therapeutic approach, training and ongoing support.
PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy.
The aim is to build trusting relationships, help children feel safe and understood, and support emotional regulation.
Anyone working with or caring for children can use PACE, provided they have received appropriate training and understand the approach.
No. While it is particularly effective for children affected by trauma or attachment difficulties, its principles can benefit all children.
No. PACE combines warmth, curiosity and empathy with clear, consistent boundaries and expectations.
Connection before correction. Strong, safe relationships create the best conditions for children to learn and thrive.
Your data will be used in accordance with our Privacy Notice
